Ike has some photos posted of Prague here:
http://picasaweb.google.com/ike.hall/Prague/photo#5233568502571000802

mostly architectural details, but there are a few funny signs thrown in the mix.

When you've had too much upheaval and instead of fearing the body blow, you begin to dread the next jugular jab, the next elbow poke, the next tiny thing that is going to push you over the edge completely.  Not AN exposed nerve, but a full body emotional road rash of exposed nerves... all rubbing together in harmony with a heartbeat that sometimes seems too hard - like it's trying to break out of your chest completely.

I've been such a slug lately... and I've enjoyed every single moment of it!

So we had our extremely complicated cooking challenge this weekend and it was AWESOME!!  We drew on Thursday for our 'secret' ingredients and I ended up with coriander which was completely unfamiliar.  So I did what any self respecting cook does when entering unfamiliar territory.  I googled it.  What's amazing about reading about an ingredient based on a google search is that you get a full range of items - from wikipedia entries to recipes and it really helps to give you an idea of how best to use said ingredient.  What I learned is that coriander is used in savory dishes  in Indian and Asian foods but in sweet dishes in older more traditional European recipes.  It has a lemony flavor that goes both ways rather well.

Here is what I made:

Coriander Potatoes - ended up being a bit too spicy.  madandrew doesn't like cilantro so I tried to go another way to brighten it up and I have to say that Cilantro would have been much preferable.

Coriander braised chicken - good flavor but the chicken was rather tough... all in all not worth the effort

Coriander cookies - awesome.  hypnotic.  I want to have one right now.  This is basically a cookie made from crisco, sugar and coriander, so you pretty much KNOW it's gonna taste good.  What can you add to crisco and sugar to ruin it?  But the coriander turned out lovely and lemony and the cookies tasted like a cross between shortbread and a lemon cookie.

Here is what madandrew made (his ingredient was basil)
Pizza - who doesn't like pizza?  It was wonderful with basil tomato and mozzarella... Mmmmm Pizza...
Roasted Tomato Basil soup - Awesome.  My favorite flavors blended together in a bowl.
Basil Pesto on pasta - This was also very good, though he left out the pine nuts because he doesn't care for them - and I'd have loved to taste it with them...
Candied Basil - I never knew basil would taste good in candy!  It was wonderful!!

Here is what gyades made (his ingredient was wax beans)
(he doesn't brag as much as Andrew and I so his dishes are still a bit mysterious)
a spicy dish that featured the wax beans and had a tomato base - it was great... flavorful and with a punch.  I need the recipe
A pasta salad - which I couldn't really get into after tasting the first one
I don't remember his third dish!  As I said, he's a whole lot more laid back about the whole thing than Andrew or I.

The consensus was this:
It's great to be forced to try new ingredients and to be pushed into taking old familiar ones in a new direction.
9 dishes is just too much food for 5 people.

We ended the evening with a rousing game of Phase 10 in which I stomped everybody and then I fell asleep (Both of these eventualities are inevitable at every party and every time we play Phase 10.  I'm just that good and that tired.)

Can't wait for next time!

4:45 am on Saturday morning:  I wake up excited about getting outside and moving my body - I roll my eyes at myself and turn over to go back to sleep.

5:30 am on Saturday morning:  I'm tired of putting it off... feet hit the floor, clothes and running shoes on... ipod strapped to my arm... I hit the road by 5:45 am.

Was outside for 2 hours walking around and enjoying a sunrise that was BEAUTIFUL!

After a lifetime of having to drag myself out of bed grumbling I've gone over to the dark side... I'm an effing morning person.

Andrew - Basil
Satish - Wax Beans
Heather - Coriander

This should be interesting... dinner is on Saturday at 6pm.

I've always wanted to try cooking something with saffron, but it's expensive and hard to find so I just hadn't until yesterday.  I went to a spice shop in Naperville called Penzeys (which is an awesome place btw) and coughed up the 17 dollars for my single gram of the spice.  I brought it home and decided to go ahead and try to make saffron rice to get an idea of flavors and intensity and all of that.  Here is the bastardized recipe I used (I always have to tweak recipes... it's a flaw, I know)

Generic recipe:
1 cup long grain white rice
2 cups water or chicken stock
1 TB butter
1 TB finely minced onion
1/2 tsp. salt
1 small pinch saffron - crumbled

Place butter and minced onion in a heavy quart saucepan.  Saute over medium heat until onion is translucent.  Add rice, saffron, water or stock and salt.  Bring to a rolling boil.  Cover, reduce heat to simmer, cook until rice is tender and liquid is absorbed. (about 18 minutes)

My recipe:
1 cup long grain jasmine rice
2 cups chicken stock
2 TB extra virgin olive oil
1 cup finely minced onion
1/2 tsp. salt
1 small pinch saffron
one pinch mint
one pinch rosemary
toasted pine nuts

Pour olive oil into pan on medium heat.  Put spices into mortar and grind together with pestle until salt takes on slight red color from the saffron and the saffron strands have broken up a bit.  Stir spices into olive oil and let heat for a few minutes.  Add onion and saute over medium heat until they turn a beautiful translucent yellow color (it's like magic!).  Add rice and pine nuts and stir until coated with oil/onion/spice mixture.  Add chicken stock and bring to a rolling boil.  Cover, reduce heat to simmer, cook until rice is tender and liquid is absorbed - about 16 minutes.

note:  If using brown rice, add half again as much chicken stock and give yourself at least 45 minutes for cooking time (checking regularly after the first 40 minutes have gone by)

The verdict?

Awesome.  As far from fail as one can get with rice.  I served this with some spiced stewed tomatoes and it was so good!  It was a light meal that was full of flavor and spice that Ike and I BOTH liked!  The only downside is that I have a feeling that saffron is a spice one can get addicted to.  It's not a flavor one can really pin down... it's more a feeling of your mouth being completely happy.  I woke up this morning thinking about it!  I know I'm obsessive, but come on!

I spend most of my personal time with physicists... I enjoy them, but we don't have a great deal of common ground.  So when we find something that interests everyone we tend to pick it up and run.  Cooking is the best common ground we've found so far.  Andrew tends to be very methodical (and VERY carnivorous), Angela bakes the most amazing things you ever deposited on your thighs via your taste buds, Satish has the VERY best chicken pot pie ever (and he's vegetarian!), Mike makes a mean chili, and Amber always contributes something healthy and yummy (and in some cases extremely chocolaty).  I'm kind of random... I cook what I feel like eating and I add to it what smells yummy - with mixed results and Ike makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches I've ever had.  That pretty much sums up the group.

I'm coming to grips with the fact that I have a (very) slight case of asthma. 

I got up this morning totally raring to move my body... to get out into the world and commune.  I got up, put my hair back and got dressed... threw on the running shoes grabbed the ipod and hit the road.  I started with some walking just to wake up a bit, and then I decided that it was time to pick up the pace.  The sky was thick with mist - the kind you can almost see rolling around up there in anticipation of falling.  I started to run, fully expecting (as I do every time) that today would be the day I'd make it... the day I'd finally bust through the brick wall I seem to run up against every time I run.  I want to run with every fiber of my being.  I just know I'm baby steps from that runners high I'm always hearing about and I want it.  I want to fully feel the mist on my face and the slap of my shoes on the pavement.  I want to sweat even though it's only like 50 degrees outside, and I want to feel the pull and burn of muscles getting into the swing of things.  I want to chase away the stresses of the day/week/month and forget; but just as I get into it... my lungs start to burn and I feel like I've got 50 extra pounds just sitting on my chest.  Then I have to stop and go back to walking.  Every time this happens I feel just a little bit defeated.

I have such high expectations of myself and my capabilities that it's difficult to admit that there might be something out there that's just not possible for me to accomplish.  Even now, knowing that I've always had this issue, I still believe that with enough effort I will conquer running and be marathon ready.  Not that I ever intend to run a marathon... I'm not that crazy.  I just want to feel the joy of letting go of my self, my body and whatever circumstance I am in and just moving. 

It's just dancing with a destination and who doesn't like to dance??

When I was younger, I wrote and performed poetry.  The writing was a natural outlet for me but the performance scared me to death.  I had stage fright and was (believe it or not) naturally quite shy.  I'm not shy anymore mainly because I forced my self to meet that fear head on.  I am more comfortable with myself as a result of making myself uncomfortable... if that makes any sense.

So this week I had another opportunity to do something scary and I managed it with as much grace as I could muster.  I only sent a couple dozen neurotic emails to my husband (and various friends) seeking reassurance and I didn't quit before I began.  These are both successes as far as I'm concerned! :)  The Hidden Talents show at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory  went well, and I had a lot of fun...  My paintings looked nice all framed (thank you, Ike!) and hung - well lit on the gallery wall.

Some friends came to check out the display and it was really fun to finally NOT be the fish out of water.  Ike actually enjoyed himself which was awesome to see... he had opinions about the artwork and everything!  All in all it was a wonderful experience that I can't wait to repeat.

Now I just have to figure out which fear to conquer next!

(ps - make sure and check out the photos posted here to my profile!)

I woke up this morning completely terrified... I’m a fearful being at heart so it’s not as though this is an uncommon thing, but I’ve been trying to ‘get out there’ more lately.  Trying to socialize and stretch my boundaries a little more each day...

It all started with some weight loss... lose a few pounds and realize quickly all the things you have done to hide from those pounds over the years... stay inside, don’t buy new clothes, don’t move too much, don’t look in the mirror, don’t EVER get on a scale, don’t pose for pictures... 

I’ve been doing the things I’d stopped doing and for the most part it’s been wonderful!  I’ve had some wonderful feedback from friends and family and I’m not tired like I used to be.  I bought new clothes and will allow myself to be photographed again.  I’m happy with the way I look.

Then I quit smoking.  Now I realize how very much of my day was built around tobacco.  Get up in the morning and have a cigarette.  Take a shower and get ready for the day have a cigarette.  Skip breakfast to have a cigarette.  So now I don’t nap all of the time and I don’t smoke.

I have a lot of time on my hands! 

I’ve been trying to fill it with new and exciting things and have managed to drive Ike just a little crazy in the process.  Recently a friend prodded me into entering some paintings in a Fermilab art show called “Hidden Talents”.  It’s not really a big deal... but it’s a first for me and in my head it has become this really BFD.  Ike and I wrestled with framing the pictures I chose and then I dropped them off yesterday thinking in my head that the opening was to be on March 27^th, but I realized last night that the opening isn’t the 27^th, but the 20^th – which is tomorrow!

This brings us around to the beginning... I woke up this morning completely terrified.  How will my paintings look?  Will they stand out; in a good way or a bad way?  Will the organizers of this show hide my paintings in a dark corner somewhere because they don’t deserve to be shown with ‘real’ artwork??  I’ve sent like 20 emails so far to Ike and to a few of our friends who work at Fermilab to bug them about it.  I’ve now expended so much energy worrying about it that I’m tired, and I STILL don’t know what I’m going to wear tomorrow! *sigh*

 

So who wants to find a poetry reading to try out??

Mwahhh... f!!k sh!t d!!!it!!!  power tools are not my friends.  Neither are freaking nails...  Color I can work with.  Give me a paint brush and I'm ready to go.  Build a frame for a painting from scratch... no problem, I thought... I just need something simple... just tack on some thin board on each side and call it good...

Ike and I will be lucky if we make it out of this sane.

I've got to get back into the habit!  I am a person who needs to write... because what I'm thinking sounds much less crazy on the written page than out loud.  Add to that the fact that my verbal filter isn't very sensitive and you have all the pieces needed for involuntary commitment!

Context:  I've started talking to myself lately... and answering.

I joined facebook recently because Ike was telling me about talking with a mutual friend of ours there and it sounded like fun.  I really had no idea.  I am having a ton of fun, and what’s really crazy I’m doing it by reconnecting with people I haven’t seen since high school.

 

I (like many) wasn’t my best self back then, nor do I have the best of memories... so I’ve always dismissed the idea that I’d enjoy revisiting that time.  I’ve always kind of scoffed at the idea of attending a reunion; because really... who do I want to see there that I don’t stay in touch with now?

 

The truth is that I’d forgotten the number and variety of amazingly beautiful, talented and interesting human beings you are given to meet in school.  Before you specialize... Before you rely on work or church or some other function to provide you with acquaintances that might at some point become friends. 

 

High school was, for me, a smorgasboard of personalities (other than the variety that were my own!).  I was friends with (or just admired) people who on the surface were so different as to almost be separate species.  To reconnect with them now is almost like jumping forward in life – and I’m consumed by the questions that arise... What are they doing; how are they doing it; are they happy; what happened between then and now to make them the people they are today? I’ve always been a curious cat, so I’m used to unanswered questions; but it’s amazing to get answers.  It’s also reaffirming to know that ultimately we are all just people and like an RPG game, we only have a certain number of points to play in any given part of our lives.  Some of us are Ivy League educated, and some of us have beautiful babies... some of us are famous actors, and some of us happily live quiet lives... we’ve both moved away and settled in.  We’ve all been a little disappointing at times and we’ve all had successes.  We are all both and at once, more beautiful and not quite as pretty as we once were; and I for one am perfectly happy with that fact! 

 

The best realization?

 

It could never have been as bad as I imagined.

You know the one...
it deserves backup singers and soundtracks
and you should be going about
to the beat of a higher rhythm
superimposed over complicated imagery
and romantic plot lines...
it's a day where everything you touch goes shiny
and you're more...
just more.
and you finally work up the nerve to dance
the way you really always wanted -
but never did
and you wonder
- why have you been holding back
for so many years?
This is the day that fear doesn't own.

Recipe for morning smoothie
 

¼ cup blueberries

3 raspberries

6 blackberries

1 cup wheat grass

3 baby carrots

4 T dried Goji berries

Kefir (plain lowfat)

Water

¼ package frozen Acai berry concentrate

Splenda to taste

__________________________________________________________

Blend in Magic Bullet until smooth.

Taste.

Sweeten to taste.

 _________________________________________________
 

Serious energy and lots of great nutrients... 4 servings of fruit and veggies and 1 or 2 servings of milk all in one go.  The wheat grass makes this pretty tart but the carrots and the sweetener are helpful for balancing that. 

 

I'm on a new-ish kick... Dr. Perricone's 10 superfoods.  Last spring I was trying to improve my skin by getting at least one serving of each superfood every day... what's funny is that I ended up losing like 30 lbs instead.

 

Recently I quit smoking and then was sick/under the weather for like 3 weeks... I'm just emerging from that insanity and I want to really detox for a bit.  It's amazing how in touch you get with your body after 3 weeks of being sick - I'm trying this out again because I remember feeling really wonderful last time. We'll see...

going a bit stir crazy... I have to say that being under the weather for this long really forces one to appreciate being well.  Normally it's not a state that I notice (it's just the status quo and doesn't need that much thought) but right now I'd give a lot to have a nose that worked and ears that weren't ringing... makes me want to go running around in the cold just for an excuse to move this body that has been couch-ridden for so long.  I can't wait to get back to the gym!

I've been sick or randomly under the weather for the last 3 weeks... getting a bit tired of it.  Ike is getting a bit tired of it as well.  I am not a nice patient.  I am kind of a raving lunatic bitch who whines and cries.  Btw... learned an important lesson last night - if you have the flu and your doctor tries to give you Robitussin with Codeine, politely decline.  I had a VERY bad reaction which included every inch of my skin starting to hurt and uncontrollable crying.  Ummm...  fun. 

I’ll fly away oh Lordy
I’ll fly away
When I die
Halleluiah by and by
I’ll fly away

Added to everything else, I’ve had a sweet and beautiful song about death running through my head for the last three days. Grrr…

You know your year has been bad when you are considering the best image to burn in effigy of said year… when you are terrified of such things as hoping, wishing or praying… because it feels a bit like you are in a bad horror movie where all of your words are twisted into some horrific meaning of which you would be much better off not on the receiving end.

So… any image ideas? I’m quite serious… this is a year that needs to end with fire. Maybe some sort of small explosions.

If I wrote a summary of my week… someone would probably cry.
If I wrote a summary of my month… someone would cry.
If I wrote a summary of my year…
Someone would fall down
in a blubbery adolescent-like lump whimpering about how
“it isn’t fair”
Screaming something like “why”
Not daring even to
whisper
something like “when”
While I’m left standing here in middle of the rubble that was my self
Numb from the brain on down
Looking in from outside my body
Waiting for the next blow to fall
and wondering when I’m going to have time to feel all of this

"CERN Press Release,
November 3, 2006:
Open Access publishing in physics gains momentum
Geneva, 3 November 2006. The first meeting of European particle physics funding agencies took place today at CERN[1] to establish a consortium for Open Access publishing in particle physics, SCOAP3[2]. This is the first time an entire scientific field is exploring the conversion of its reader-paid journals into an author-paid Open Access format.
Open Access is a policy that could revolutionize the academic publishing world and have a great impact on research. By changing the traditional model of financing publications through reader subscriptions, the publications will be free to readers and financed by funding agencies via laboratories and the authors. This new concept in publishing will broaden opportunities for researchers and funding agencies in achieving greater benefit from unrestricted distribution of the results of their publicly funded research."

Can you say Marketing 101? Self promotion in the Sciences? Please if anyone can explain to me how this could possibly be a good idea - RESPOND!!

At this point it strikes me at best as something that will create the ultimate loop,(Need funding to experiment, Need to experiment to write paper, Need to write paper to publish, Need to publish to get funding, Need funding to get published) and at worst a way to guarantee that new ideas are almost never shared...

Am I wrong, or is this really short sighted?

So I’ve come to the realization that I am a ‘geek freak’… You know, sort of like a fag hag but without all of the sexually neutral discussion. If you don’t know, don’t worry.

While I am not a geek myself, I find myself drawn to them… as though my life would somehow be incomplete without a certain number of geeks that I can claim as mine. My father, My grandfather, My great uncle, My husband, My friend, & etc. It’s understandable, really – Geeks are fascinating beings, and while I can’t claim to always understand the conversation or to always get the joke, I do a fairly good impression of understanding and every once in a while all of the bits and pieces fall in line and I do really get it – if just for a moment.

So I’m a fan of geeks. This is who I am and so it seems quite normal to me, though I wonder what it says about me that I enjoy spending time with people often discuss such subjects as ‘dark energy’ and ‘anti-protons’ when I don’t (always) pretend to comprehend anything that they are saying.

I’d like to think that it is because I like to challenge myself in this way, but I suspect that this is just another effect of being raised primarily around adults. I remember as a kid figuring out how to use words in the correct context before I understood what those words meant. I have a vivid memory of someone asking me for the definition of some word I had just used and, at the time I had to think back to that sentence and extrapolate meaning by the words I’d used around it. I was never terribly accurate, but at 5 years old I think the college student I was speaking with at the time was a bit surprised at how much I seemed to know. Eventually I learned definitions (if not spellings) of all of these words. I wonder if this isn’t why I’m more comfortable with geeks… this ‘faking it’ mentality that is normal for me… I also wonder if this learning technique might possibly one day apply to particle physics… Is it possible to learn such a technical subject through something resembling osmosis?

*sigh*

I suspect that this time if I want to learn it I’ll have to take a (gulp) class…

I just thought I would let people know about some of my favorite sites... so if any of the 5 of you who read this are interested, here you go! :)

This site is great for someone like me who wants to learn, well... everything. It's a good place to start for most subjects though the search options are a bit limited (this is no google).

<http://www.wannalearn.com/>

Ike told me about this one... it's great for wasting time at work, home, or whenever else you are supposed to be doing something else! I would suggest looking at the gallery before going to the 'play' section. The uses some of these 'artists' put to some of these forms is kind of amazing!

<http://www.mrpicassohead.com>

I think this would be a great idea for any community... I heard this advertised on our local public radio station on the way to work one day, and the addy was memorable enough that I decided to check it out. The idea is inspired.

<http://www.voices-exchange.org>

These are the funniest damn e-cards you'll ever find in a Napoleon-Dynamite-esque genre of humor.

<http://www.lamecards.com/index.php>

If you are looking for volunteer opportunities, this is the place...

<http://www.volunteermatch.org/>

Based on what I've read in the intro to this site, this seems like a great resource for someone who is contemplating living as an ex-pat. Unfortunately there is something about the language of the directions that completely escapes me... if anyone can actually figure out how to use this site, let me know!

<http://www.lancs.ac.uk/users/interculture/learnact1.htm>

For a great reasource for technical fundamentals of perspective, shading, color and painting... in other words, learn to be an artist, or simply just refer to this site to refresh your memory before you tackle that masterpiece.

<http://studiochalkboard.evansville.edu/index.html>

OK, that's all folks! Let me know what you think of my favorite sites.

"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
— Buckminister Fuller, (1895 – 1983) was an American visionary, designer, architect, and inventor.


"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?"
-- Ursula K. LeGuin, prize-winning science fiction writer


"I have noticed that as soon as you have soldiers the story is called history. Before their arrival it is called myth, folktale, legend, fairy tale, oral poetry, ethnography. After the soldiers arrive, it is called history."
-- Paula Gunn Allen, a Native American poet, literary critic, activist and novelist. (Born in 1939)

I am your child America…
and I have forgotten the meaning of truth and justice
I am without the reassurance of understanding and
I am bereft of soft places to fall
you are hard and I am confused.
Words roll around and off of the tongues of your spokesmen
and I now realize that they have become just jumbled letters in my head
and not expressions of any experience I can claim
I am your child America…
truth and justice are not gifts you have given me
but stories we have told our children for
generations so long
they have faded into the realm of legend.
I am your child America…
I am a member of your large and neglectful family.
my duty is to honor you
even while you break
promises of protection that have become like the morning pledge -
useless noises made by rote without thought.
I am your child America…
Before we imbued it with meaning,
truth was just a grunt made by prehistoric man…
a child playing with mouth noises,
and just like the circle of life we are approaching this place again
where meaning has been stripped from our moral center
and the words we used to use in expression of the highest morality
are now just the playthings of liars and tyrants.
I am your child America…
and I have forgotten the meaning of truth and Justice.

It is 73 degrees outside and hailing... can you say Tornado??

So...
I'm just a girl again
empty
not a mom to be
or a walking breathing craving
not a nap machine...
empty
8 weeks
4 days
I held life
& possibilities curled inside of me
another heart beat
empty
3 weeks
4 days
I held sorrow
curled around tissue and remnants
of what might have been
the best of me
25 hours
empty
and looking forward to a
day when I can celebrate
all the might have been's
all the tomorrows
and whatever may come's...
empty
but grateful
for all the love I share
& all of the moments I was given to enjoy expectation
empty
just a girl
looking forward
to another day

I lost the baby. Still trying to absorb and comprehend. More to come later…